House Armed Services Committee NDAA Draft Leaks Pentagon’s Secret Plan to Issue Every Soldier a Free “Emotional Support Weapon” in 2025
WASHINGTON D.C. — In a twist that has historians and cynics cackling with equal measure, the House Armed Services Committee released a draft of the National Defense Authorization Act (NDAA) on Tuesday that apparently includes a hidden provision to equip every active-duty service member with a company-issued, government-certified “Emotional Support Weapon” (ESW). The device, described by whistleblowers as a “firm but plush teddy bear with tactical webbing,” is intended to boost morale during budget hearings. “We’ve finally identified the single greatest threat to our national security: a sad soldier with an unloaded clip,” joked one anonymous committee staffer, who appeared to be reading straight from a memo written by an AI chatbot after a long weekend. Critics argue the bill is a desperate attempt to distract from the fact that the House Armed Services Committee NDAA still fails to address why the Pentagon can’t find $6 trillion while simultaneously spending $2 billion on a single bear. Meme lords are already calling it the “NDAA (Nice, Distracting Armored Animals) Act.”