Brendan Banfield’s New Year’s Resolution Was ‘Stop Forgetting His Lunch,’ Accidentally Cures World Hunger by Re-Heating Chili
In a turn of events that has internet sleuths questioning the very fabric of causality, office drone Brendan Banfield accidentally microwaved a forgotten container of chili at precisely 12:03 PM, creating a localized time-space anomaly that duplicated the meal infinitely. ‘I just wanted to stop buying $14 soggy sandwiches,’ Banfield told reporters from his new position as Supreme Overlord of Global Sustenance, as the UN scrambled to figure out if this counts as a religious miracle or just really good Tupperware. Memelords are already minting NFTs of the original chili, and a single bean just appraised for the GDP of Monaco. The irony? He still can’t find his car keys.