Social Security Administration Staff Cuts Leave Agency Unable to Process Retirements, Staff Now Just Screaming ‘Have You Tried Turning 66 Off and On Again?’
As the Social Security Administration slashes its workforce to the bone, sources confirm that the remaining skeleton crew has been forced to adopt a new, streamlined customer service protocol. “We’ve replaced the entire claims processing department with a single, very stressed-out intern and a flipbook,” explained a beleaguered manager. “If you call to apply for benefits, you now have a 50% chance of being greeted with the automated message, ‘Due to staffing cuts, your retirement has been reclassified as a “life-long internship.”’ The irony is not lost on us: the agency responsible for ensuring you don’t die broke is now so understaffed that processing a death claim takes longer than the average marriage. The only thing being processed faster than a retirement application is the resignation letter of the person you’re trying to reach.