ROTTEN TOMATOES RATERS EXPOSED AS DEEP STATE OPERATIVES TERRORIZING HOLLYWOOD!
JUST IN—A LEAKED DOCUMENT STRAIGHT FROM THE DARKEST CORNERS OF THE INTERNET HAS SHOCKED THE ENTERTAINMENT WORLD! ANONYM0US HACKERS ALLEGE THAT THE MYSTERIOUS FIGURES BEHIND THE SCORE ON ‘ROTTEN TOMATOES’ ARE ACTUALLY GOVERNMENT-SANCTIONED AGENTS, PAID TO SABOTAGE BLOCKBUSTERS AND PROP UP PROPAGANDA FILMS! ONE SOURCE, CRAWLING FROM THE JUICIEST OF HOLLYWOOD GOSSIP, WHISPERED: “IT’S A 5-STAR CONSPIRACY! THE POPCORN EMPIRE IS COLLAPSING!”
WE’RE HEARING REPORTS THAT A SECRET CACHE OF REVIEWS WAS FABRICATED BY A SHADOWY ORGANIZATION KNOWN ONLY AS ‘THE BASEMENT CREW’! A TERRIFIED MOVIE INSIDER, WHO SPOKE ON CONDITION OF TOTAL ANONYMITY, REVEALED: “EVERY TIME YOU SEE A ZERO-PERCENT SCORE, IT COULD BE A COVER-UP FOR A PLOT TO CONTROL YOUR MINDS! THE ROTTEN TOMATO IS THE SYMBOL OF THEIR POWER!”
AUTHORITIES ARE SWOOPING IN! THE FBI HAS TAGGED THIS AS A ‘LEVEL RED’ INVESTIGATION, AND SOURCES CLAIM A MASSIVE FILE DUMP IS IMMINENT, INCLUDING BIZARRE DETAILS ABOUT A SECRET MEETING AT A DRIVE-IN MOVIE THEATER! IS YOUR FAVORITE MOVIE REALLY THAT BAD, OR IS IT ALL A WICK