NATIONAL DONUT DAY RAMPAGE: INSANE DONUT-COP CATASTROPHE ROCKS CITY - DOZENS INJURED!
JUST IN - A NATIONAL DONUT DAY celebration turned into a FULL-BLOWN WAR ZONE this morning as a renegade donut-obsessed superfan, fueled by a BOTCHED recipe of hallucinogenic sprinkles, went on a WILD, SWEET-FUELED TEAR through downtown LAST CHANCE, TEXAS!
CHAOS erupted at 7:11 AM when local accountant TERRY "THE GLAZER" HENDERSON, despondent over the closing of his favorite donut shop, "Sprinkle Nirvana," allegedly STORMED a competitive bakery, screaming, "THIS IS FOR NATIONAL DONUT DAY!" and HIJACKED a DRUG-LACED donut delivery truck!
Witnesses report seeing the man, dressed in a STOLEN police uniform, launching donuts from a CRUDE catapult at fleeing pedestrians and police cars! "It was a GLAZED APOCALYPSE," one terrified bystander shrieked, covered in jelly filling. "He was screaming about 'freedom rings'!" Police say he's cornered on the roof of a daycare, threatening to flood the building with a tank of LIQUID CHOCOLATE! ARE YOU SAFE FROM NATIONAL DONUT DAY? STAY TUNED!