JUST IN: JOHN BLANCHE FOUND HIDING BIZARRE TROVE OF PIXIE DUST AND ALIEN BLUEPRINTS IN SECRET BUNKER! SHOCKING EVIDENCE REVEALS HE WAS PLANNING TO HIJACK THE MOON WITH A TALKING SQUIRREL!
Sources close to the investigation claim the bizarre stash was unearthed by a startled possum in a suburban crawlspace, leading to a top-secret FBI raid. Insiders whisper that John Blanche’s cryptic notebook contains instructions for a “Lunar Squirrel Shuttle” and a recipe for a psychological weapon made of glitter and narcotics. “THIS IS BIGGER THAN WATERGATE,” a trembling analyst told our reporter. “If John Blanche gets his hands on a jar of mayonnaise, we could lose control of the tides!” The public is urged to stay indoors and avoid any suspicious nuts or shiny objects until further notice!