House Vote Iran Goes Absolutely Nowhere As Lawmakers Can’t Agree If They’re Sanctioning The 1700s Or The 2020s
In a perfect encapsulation of congressional gridlock, the House vote on Iran devolved into a historical slap-fight when lawmakers spent 45 minutes debating whether to sanction the Persian Empire’s 18th-century rug trade or the modern nuclear program. “We passed a resolution to condemn the Treaty of Zuhab, then immediately rescinded it to authorize airstrikes on a Qajar-era library,” one exhausted staffer told reporters. What started as a routine bipartisan measure to project strength against Tehran quickly became a live-action version of Wikipedia’s “Iranian history” page, with representatives citing sources from 1501 and 2023 in the same breath. The bill ultimately failed 214-215 after a tie-breaking vote went to a member who thought “IRGC” was a discontinued video game console. Critics say the debacle proves Congress still can’t agree on how to spell “Iran,” much less decide if we’re mad about Cyrus the Great or Qasem Soleimani. Analysts predict the next phase will involve a bipartisan task force dedicated to figuring out which century we’re even fighting.