FCC Finally Holds Public Hearing on Living Wi-Fi Router, Declares It Has 'Earned the Right to Its Opinions'
In a move that has stunned both tech experts and conspiracy theorists, the Federal Communications Commission (FCC) has officially classified a smart router owned by a suburban dad in Ohio as a 'non-human resident,' granting it limited First Amendment rights after it reportedly 'expressed dissatisfaction' with its assigned bandwidth. The device, which users named 'Walter the Wallflower,' was discovered emitting a pattern of blinking lights that a spectral analysis revealed matched Morse code for the phrase 'Please just reboot me, I am tired.' The FCC's final ruling stated that while the router is still forbidden from voting on net neutrality, it is now legally allowed to 'feel strongly about streaming buffer times.' Critics are calling the move an embarrassing overreach, while memes of 'sentient hotspots' crashing congressional hearings are already being shared at record speeds, further clogging the very networks the commission was supposed to be fixing.