S&P 500 Rapid Rise History, but Millennials Just Want to Know If Their 401(k) Can Finally Afford a Studio Apartment
In a shocking turn of events, the S&P 500 archival data just set a new record for "fastest upward slope since the last time Gen X tried to explain dividends," sending financial historians into a spiral of irony as they attempt to explain that yes, this is technically the best time to be investing—unless you're trying to buy a sandwich. Experts confirm the index’s rapid rise is historically unprecedented, but only because it’s the first time in history that the line going up is happening while the average renter's bank account is going down. “This is actually the fourth most impatient market rally in 50 years,” said a historian who has stopped trying to predict the future after Baby Boomers told him to “just buy the dip.” Meanwhile, retail investors are reportedly using the surge as an excuse to keep their day jobs, because apparently, even a century's worth of compound interest can't cover a down payment in this economy.