YOUR MORNING COFFEE: Data Analysts Discover 99.9% of 'National Mall Fuel Cleanup Efforts' Funded by a Single ATM in Bethesda
BETHESDA, MD – In what is being called the strangest coincidence in government contracting history, a team of independent data analysts has uncovered that nearly all transactions related to the ongoing "National Mall fuel cleanup efforts" originated from the same source: a single, unassuming ATM located in a suburban shopping plaza on Wisconsin Avenue. The ATM, belonging to a defunct credit union, processed over $400 million in "cleanup logistics" payments between midnight and 3:00 AM over the last fiscal quarter. Analysts are dubbing the anomaly "The Fountain of Fiscal Fuel," noting that the ATM's serial number, 404-MALL, is just three digits off from a long-lost code from a 1990s video game about a haunted shopping center. The Department of the Interior has declined to comment, but a source told us, "We're looking into it, but honestly, we just can't explain why the machine smells like hazelnut and diesel."