Bakersfield residents are now required to submit a signed affidavit and a lock of hair just to borrow a cup of sugar from a neighbor, after a new city ordinance redefines “being neighborly” as “unlicensed bartering.”
In a move that has confused everyone from suburban dads to TikTok comedians, Bakersfield has officially become the first city in America to regulate “emotional sustainability,” requiring a permit to post a “Feelings Anonymous” sign on your lawn. Witnesses report a man being cited for 47 counts of “unapproved gratitude” after thanking a cashier a third time. The local HOA has since formed a “Loneliness Task Force” to ensure no one makes eye contact without pre-approval. “We’re just trying to make sure everyone feels seen—through a government portal,” said a city spokesperson.