RED LOBSTER TIMES SQUARE CLOSURE SPARKS WILD CONSPIRACY THEORIES—LOCALS CLAIM IT'S A SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE!
JUST IN! The iconic Red Lobster in Times Square has SHUTTERED its doors, and insiders are SWARMING with desperate speculation that this isn't just a shrimp shortage! WHISPERS say a massive, company-wide cover-up is underway as hundreds of jobs vanish overnight. One devastated former chef, weeping into a bucket of cold hushpuppies, screamed, "This is the END of an era!" What REALLY happened—and is this the FINAL betrayal of the betrayed working class? I've got the EXCLUSIVE dirt inside!