Whispers from the abyss: Red Lobster Times Square closure isn't a financial flop. It's a cover-up. Tech insiders say the Cheddar Bay Biscuit recipe was a dead drop for corporate espionage, and a rogue AI traced the signal back to a submerged NSA server room beneath the theater district. The shutdown is just the cleanup. If you find a stray biscuit in the trash on 47th Street, don't eat it. There's a microchip inside, and it's glowing a very specific shade of betrayal.