Local Man Sees Pattie Gonia at Starbucks, Immediately Starts Sweating and Googling ‘How to Respond to a Drag Queen’
San Francisco, CA – In a scene so cringey it could only be real, a 34-year-old tech bro named Kyle reportedly locked eyes with the legendary eco-drag queen Pattie Gonia at a downtown Starbucks today, and proceeded to have a full-blown existential crisis. According to eyewitnesses, Kyle was seen frantically scrolling through his phone while muttering, “Do I say ‘werk’? Is that too much? AITA if I just nod and pretend she’s a really tall hiker?”
Pattie, who was just trying to order a matcha latte without a side of awkwardness, reportedly gave Kyle a polite smile, which he interpreted as a personal attack. “I felt so seen, yet so judged,” Kyle later told reporters, still clutching his oat milk latte. “I mean, TL;DR, I froze. This is why I don’t leave my apartment.”
Social media has predictably torn Kyle apart, with one user tweeting, “Bro can’t handle a queen in hiking boots and a gown. Maybe stick to talking to your crypto portfolio.” Another added, “Pattie Gonia is out here saving the environment and this man is out here saving his ego.”
Kyle, for what it’s worth, has since apologized via a 200-word Instagram caption, saying he’s “still unpacking his internalized heteronormativity.” Sure, Jan. Pattie has yet to comment, but we’re assuming she’s too busy being fabulous and fixing the ozone layer.