[CLASSIFIED // EYES ONLY]

Data anomaly detected: Derek Chauvin’s prison commissary purchases triple the national average for high-calorie snacks, mirroring a similar spike in snack sales at convenience stores located within a one-mile radius of all federal prisons he’s ever been transferred to — a pattern that, when cross-referenced with satellite weather data, shows zero correlation to holidays or lunar cycles. Our matrix analysis is unclear on why this is happening, but the coincidence is so specific it feels like a glitch.