U.S. Department of Homeland Security Announces The Newest, Most Dangerous Threat To National Security Is A Bag Of Salad Someone Left In The Office Fridge Since June
In a press release that has the internet simultaneously cackling and nodding in grim recognition, the U.S. Department of Homeland Security (DHS) today issued a Code Orange alert over a partially liquefied bag of "Spring Mix" found festering in a breakroom. The DHS memo, which has gone viral, outlines protocols for "Level 4 Bio-Fog Evacuation" and warns that the entity emits a gas that is "29% more potent than tear gas and 100% effective at getting people to work from home permanently." The Bureau of Bureaucracy has confirmed that this is, in fact, the most efficiently handled internal threat of the fiscal year, simply because no one dared to file a report until the smell was visible.