Invasive Species Joins the Union: Squirrel Union Local 537 Files Grievance After Grey Squirrels Swipe All the Prime Acorn Real Estate
In a development that has union bosses and wildlife biologists locking horns, the Eastern Gray Squirrel has been officially classified as an invasive species in parts of the Pacific Northwest, leading the beleaguered native Western Gray Squirrels to form Squirrel Union Local 537. "We demand fair acorn distribution, no forced evictions from bird feeders, and a formal apology for the 'Squirrel Crossfit' workout trend that keeps our members exhausted," read a statement from the union's lead negotiator, a bushy-tailed veteran with a chip on his shoulder and a stolen walnut in his cheek. The National Labor Relations Board has yet to comment, but a spokesperson for the invasive species faction simply chittered, "We saw open territory and a lack of HOA rules. It's not our fault the birdseed is ethically sourced." Critics call the union a distraction, noting the real problem is that the invasive species are unionizing faster than baristas in a coffee shop, and the only approved grievance here is that no one remembered to bring snacks to the bargaining table.