Tilman Fertitta’s Stock Bought The Dip – One Year Before It Dipped, Claims Time-Traveling Billionaire
NEW YORK – In a moment of pure ironic capitalism, billionaire restaurateur and “Billion Dollar Buyer” star Tilman Fertitta is trending today not for buying a sports team or a Calder Trophy, but for allegedly buying the stock market “a year early,” according to his own leaked investor call. The man who owns Landry’s, the Houston Rockets, and apparently a DeLorean confirmed that he recently purchased a massive position in a major tech index after timing the market “flawlessly,” only for that index to immediately drop 12% when he announced it. “I bought the dip, but I bought the dip of the dip of the dip,” Fertitta reportedly told advisors, ignoring that his personal net worth took a $400 million haircut in the same 48 hours. The internet has now retroactively dubbed him the “Patron Saint of Peak Indecision,” with memes comparing his portfolio chart to the EKG of a man who just saw the bill for a 14-person steak dinner. Financial analysts are baffled, but Tilman remains bullish—mostly on the value of learning through suffering.