[CLASSIFIED // EYES ONLY]

Technical analysts digging into American Airlines’ operational data have uncovered a bizarre pattern: every time CEO Robert Isom sends an internal memo about “efficiency,” a glitch in the matrix causes employee log-in systems to crash for exactly 17 minutes. The anomaly, dubbed “The Isom Ripple,” has occurred 23 times since January, with no technical explanation. Experts say it’s either a quantum entanglement error or the ultimate sign that the airline’s karma is off-balance.