BREAKING NEWS: Bret Michaels Hires Snakes to Audit His Band's Tour Rider, Cites 'Animal Logic' Over Vegan Demands
In a move that's as rock 'n' roll as it is utterly unhinged, Poison frontman Bret Michaels has reportedly hired a team of live pythons and boa constrictors to conduct a line-item audit of his tour's catering budget. The snakes, wearing tiny reading glasses and holding calculators in their coils, have allegedly flagged 'unnecessary kale' purchases as 'suspicious' and demanded a 'full refund from the tofu industry.' Michaels, speaking through a translator (a snake named Squeezy), claims his new financial advisors have 'a more honest understanding of what a rider needs'—namely, raw meat and a heated rock. The vegan hospitality staff has filed a formal protest, citing "hostile slither-vironment."