Tilman Fertitta Suddenly Discovers He’s Out of Ketchup, Panics, Buys Houston Astros Again Just to Have Someone Pass Him the Bottle
Houston, TX — In what financial analysts are calling the most billionaire thing to ever happen, Tilman Fertitta, the owner of Landry’s, the Houston Rockets, and basically every shrimp you’ve ever eaten, reportedly experienced a brief moment of mortal panic yesterday when he discovered the mini-fridge in his private jet was devoid of ketchup packets. Sources say Fertitta immediately called his CFO, screamed “I can’t eat a steak without something red to ruin it,” and, in a move of unchecked power, allegedly purchased the Houston Astros for the fifth time just so someone would have to pass him a bottle of Heinz from the dugout. “He could have just asked a flight attendant or walked to a Whataburger,” explained a bemused insider. “But Tilman doesn’t order ketchup. Tilman orders acquisitions. The irony is that he now owns 87% of the country’s tomato supply, but forgot to restock his own jet.” As of press time, Fertitta is reportedly satisfied, though he reportedly mumbled, “Now who’s going to hold my straw?”