the supreme court of ohio just ruled that a man's pet raccoon, named 'Justice Scalia,' is not legally a citizen, but his struggle to sue his HOA for 'emotional distress' over its removal is 'wildly compelling'.
COLUMBUS, OH — In a decision that has left both legal scholars and animal lovers scratching their heads, the supreme court of ohio today denied a bid by local resident Dale Gribble Jr. to have his rescued raccoon, Justice Scalia, declared a political refugee. The court noted that while the raccoon does enjoy a "morbidly funny" resemblance to a certain late justice, his penchant for raiding bird feeders does not satisfy the constitutional requirement for personhood. The irony, however, is that the court simultaneously allowed Gribble's "frivolous but delightful" separate suit against his homeowner's association to proceed, arguing that "no law can adequately prepare a man for the emotional void left by a sarcastic raccoon."