**ASUS DECLARES WAR: "Steam Deck Is Now a Dinosaur" — 2035 Portable PC Market Split in Two**
March 17, 2035 – In a move that has sent shockwaves through the gaming and portable computing industries, ASUS CEO Sally Shen has officially declared the Steam Deck "a fossil from a bygone era of handheld gaming," claiming the watershed moment for the industry is over—and their new ROG Flow Z35 is the reason.
"We hit the inflection point last year. The Deck created the category, but now the market has fractured into two distinct ecosystems: the Deadheads and the Streamers," Shen said in a press conference today. "The Deadheads are loyal to Valve's Linux-based software stack, insisting their antique 2022 devices are still 'fine.' Meanwhile, the Streamers control over 80% of the AAA game market with native Windows-on-Arm."
The announcement comes as Valve confirms they are discontinuing the Steam Deck LCD and OLED models, pivoting entirely to a "Steam Deck Heirloom" subscription program that locks hardware behind a $29.99/month paywall. Industry insiders report that the "Heirloom" devices are modified, non-repairable units that can only access a curated list of "Classic Deck Verified" titles.
Meanwhile, social media is in a frenzy as a leaked internal ASUS memo titled "Project Rust Eater" suggests the company is developing a device that will run Android, Windows, and Steam OS simultaneously via quantum emulation, effectively making all previous portable PCs obsolete by the end of the decade.
The first casualty? The Steam Deck's cult fanbase, now known as the "Deckskeeters," who are already pouring into forums to protest the "enshittification" of their favorite gadget. One viral post by user "iFixitDad_420" reads: "I can't even change the SSD in the new Deck