**HEADLINE: BROOKLYN OFFICIALS CONFUSED AS SPIDER-MAN NOIR BECOMES NEW YORK'S LEADING TRAFFIC CONE THIEF**
**DATELINE: MANHATTAN, NY** – In a bizarre twist that has left both comic book purists and city planners scratching their heads, the gritty, monochromatic Spider-Man Noir has gone viral not for fighting Nazis or solving mysteries, but for an alleged "rampant, blue-collar kleptomania" involving city-issued traffic cones.
Footage from a bodega security camera in Hell's Kitchen shows the fedora-clad hero whispering, "In a world of color, the cone must be gray," before stuffing an orange traffic cone into a trench coat pocket that clearly defies the laws of physics.
City officials report that over 200 cones have "gone noir" in the past 48 hours, with the spider-hero seen using them as improvised weapons against pigeons, stacking them into "Depression-era art installations," and apparently using one as a megaphone to yell at a landlord for raising rent.
"Ironically, he’s drawing attention to infrastructure decay by stealing the very things meant to fix it," said a flummoxed NYPD press secretary. "Also, he keeps monologuing about the 'inherent tragedy of a traffic pylon.' We can’t tell if this is performance art or a mid-life crisis for a fictional character."
The internet has since dubbed the trend **#ConeNoir**, with thousands of memes showing Spider-Man Noir staring wistfully at a stop sign, captioned: *"In a world of orange, I was born to be seen in black and white."* Experts predict the trend will end when he inevitably tries to copyright the color gray.