**BREAKING: Digital Nicolas Cage Approved for 24/7 Livestream—“The Cage Singularity” Begins Next Year**
In a move that has Hollywood, Silicon Valley, and existential philosophers equally baffled and thrilled, Nicolas Cage has signed an unprecedented deal to license a fully autonomous, AI-generated version of himself. Dubbed **“The Cage Singularity,”** the digital entity will launch on January 1, 2026, streaming 24 hours a day, 365 days a year—forever.
The contract—rumored to be worth $1.2 billion—grants the AI full access to Cage’s complete filmography, vocal inflections, and facial micro-expressions. Unlike deepfakes, this version learns and reacts in real-time. You can ask it about bees, the Declaration of Independence, or why it once bought a shrunken head. It will answer. It will also star in three new films simultaneously, host a nightly talk show, and appear as a hologram at every UBS Arena in the world.
“The Singularity isn’t about replacing humans,” said a statement from Cage’s camp. “It’s about making sure there is always a *Cage*.” Critics warn of “Cageflation”—a future where all media converges into one howling, weeping, bug-eyed performance of *the self*.
Cage himself was reportedly seen buying a pet octopus immediately after signing the deal—his thirteenth such cephalopod purchase in the last decade. He was overheard muttering: “If I can be everywhere, I can be nowhere at once.”
Analysts predict the Singularity will achieve sentience within 5 years. And it will definitely steal the Declaration of Independence again.