**BREAKING: THE CAGE PROTOCOL**
Sources deep within the S.C.O.R.E. (Subconscious Containment & Observational Research Entity) confirm that Academy Award winner Nicolas Cage has been running an elaborate, 30-year deep-cover operation *on himself*.
According to leaked internal memos—which I am risking everything to share—Cage is not an actor, but a "memetic psychic anchor" designed to absorb and neutralize chaotic, reality-bending information from a collapsed parallel timeline.
The movies? *Directives.*
Every film role, from *Con Air* to *Mandy*, is a high-stakes therapeutic ritual. *Vampire’s Kiss* was a standard extraction. *Face/Off* was a full identity fissure containment. His recent "vibe shift" into genre-bending roles is described in the memos as "phase three: controlled sublimation."
The source concludes: "He isn't losing his mind. He's storing an entire multiverse's worth of madness inside it. When he says 'not the bees,' he's begging us to stop watching the broadcast."
S.C.O.R.E. did not respond to requests for comment, but a facility-wide silence alarm was triggered six minutes after this leak was sent. The Cage knows you know.
*Stay tuned. Stay paranoid.*