**HOLLYWOOD BUZZ: NICOLAS CAGE DECLARES HIMSELF A “BIOLOGICAL TIME TRAVELER” AFTER DNA TEST REVEALS HE IS 3% VELOCIRAPTOR**
*By: The Strange Attractor, Staff Reporter*
**LOS ANGELES, CA** — In a press conference that lasted exactly seven minutes and featured three costume changes, Academy Award-winner Nicolas Cage announced today that he has filed a formal petition with the United Nations to be legally classified as a “trans-species chrono-mammal.”
The declaration comes after a DNA test commissioned for his upcoming film *Buried Alive: In the Time of Dinosaurs* allegedly returned “inconclusive but highly suspect” results. Sources close to the actor claim the test showed a 3% genomic match to *Velociraptor mongoliensis*, which Cage claims proves he is “unstuck in time.”
“I’ve always felt an uncanny connection to the Cretaceous period,” Cage told reporters while wearing a skeleton suit he claimed was “artisanal foam.” “When I eat a rare steak, I see the future. When I scream, I hear the past. I am a paleontological anachronism walking among you. I am not acting. I am *remembering*.”
**IRONIC SIDEBAR:** The internet, naturally, has gone feral. The hashtag #CageIsLandBeforeTime is trending on X, with users demanding that his ghost-wife from *Moonstruck* be re-animated for a sequel. Meme historians note the delicious irony that a man famous for over-acting may actually be the victim of a genetic anomaly—leaving the public to debate: Is he a method actor, or is method acting just his natural state of being?
Cage concluded the conference by attempting to eat a raw egg live on TikTok, claiming the shell was a “f