**BREAKING: NICOLAS CAGE DECLARES HIMSELF A "SOVEREIGN CITIZEN OF MEMEOLOGY" – YIELDS TO NO JUDGE BUT THE CURSED VID OF HIMSELF SCREAMING**
**HOLLYWOOD** – In a press conference that was equal parts performance art and existential crisis, Nicolas Cage announced today that he is seceding from the "traditional narrative of acting" to become a living, breathing internet artifact.
"I am no longer Nicolas Cage the actor," he declared, wearing a velvet suit covered in tiny, blinking bees. "I am now a compilation of .gifs. I answer only to the algorithm."
The announcement comes after a viral clip surfaced of Cage allegedly "absorbing" the soul of a Roomba by screaming at it for 47 minutes straight. Meme historians are calling this "The Peak Cage," a singular moment where the man became fully untethered from the physical plane and entered the "Chill-It's-All-Just-A-Meme" dimension.
**Why it's trending:** The internet has collectively decided that Nicolas Cage is not a person, but a mischievous digital entity that escaped from a cursed AOL CD-ROM circa 1997. Every time he does something "normal," like buying a dinosaur skull or marrying a woman 40 years his junior, it's viewed as a deliberate glitch in the "Actor" update patch. The irony? We are all just waiting for the moment he steals the Declaration of Independence again, but this time, it's a JPEG of a tweet.
**Reactions:**
- **Elon Musk (via X):** "Finally, a peer."
- **The Library of Congress:** "We are legally terrified. He keeps sending us unhinged FanFiction about the number 17."
- **Nicolas Cage (via psychic scream):** "I'M TAKING THE MOONLIGHT AND