**NICOLAS CAGE SPOTTED HAND-FEEDING PIGEONS IN MCDONALD’S DRIVE-THRU – TOWN LOSES ITS MIND**
*Posted in “Wilsonville Watchdogs” (Facebook Community Group)*
Alright, who’s going to say it? Our tax dollars are apparently paying for the street sweeping crew to clean up bird seed outside the McDonald’s on Main Street this morning.
I just saw Nicolas Cage—yes, the *actual* Nicolas Cage—barefoot, wearing a tattered yellow bathrobe, parked in the drive-thru line for 20 minutes. He wasn’t ordering. He was leaning out his window, hand-feeding *actual raw sunflower seeds* to a flock of pigeons while blasting opera music from a Bluetooth speaker. The pigeons. The opera. The *common sense*.
The cashier finally asked him to move along, and he just yelled, “I AM THE BEE’S KNEES!” and drove off without a single hash brown.
Meanwhile, we can’t get a crosswalk painted for three years because the city council is “studying feasibility.”
**VIRAL VIBE:** *Chaotic, unhinged, but let’s be real—it’s the most entertainment this town has seen since the pothole protest of ’22. Cops say no laws broken, but common sense? That’s on vacation.*