**Local Man Spots Nicolas Cage Buying Milk at 7-Eleven—Leaves with a Stolen Squirrel and an Autograph**
WALNUT CREEK, CA — Look, I don’t know what’s happening in Hollywood anymore, but last night at 2:30 AM, I watched Nicolas Cage—yes, *that* Nicolas Cage—walk into our local 7-Eleven wearing a trench coat, a wolf t-shirt, and no shoes. He bought a gallon of whole milk, signed a receipt for a confused teenager, and then walked out holding a live squirrel he allegedly found in the parking lot. The cashier just shrugged. We’re all paying the price for this. Common sense says: if you’re gonna steal a squirrel, at least wear shoes. What’s next, an Oscar for parking lot chaos? This town has lost its mind.