**BREAKING: TEXAS POLLS DECLARE WAR ON “CHEAP” COFFEE, CROCS REQUIREMENT STILL TBD**
**DALLAS, TX –** In a shocking upset that has political pundits scratching their heads and Starbucks baristas weeping into their oat milk, Texas election results have officially gone viral for the wrong reason. The final count showed that 97% of voters cast their ballot based solely on which candidate promised to keep the Whataburger ketchup dispensers full, while the remaining 3% were caught in a heated debate over whether a Croc is “business casual” in Harris County.
🚨**IRONY ALERT:** The biggest loser? The “Vote by Mail” program, which was soundly defeated by a single tumbleweed that blew through a polling station and filled in every bubble in the “No” column. Political analysts confirm that the tumbleweed, known locally as “Dusty McMaverick,” has since been offered a consulting position with the RNC.
Meanwhile, the only candidate to win in a landslide was a feral hog named “Governor Snorts,” who campaigned on a platform of free acorns and abolishing Daylight Saving Time. At press time, Snorts was seen making a power move by rooting through a golf course, officially declaring it a “sovereign dirt patch.” Texas remains red, hot, and gloriously chaotic. 🐗🔴