**Newsflash: DALLAS, TX – The Texas Election Board has officially declared a winner in the most hotly contested race of the century: the "Whataburger vs. In-N-Out Proximity Index."**
In a historic upset, incumbent Governor Greg Abbott won the popular vote, but a rogue polling station in Austin accidentally certified that a stray armadillo had won 14% of the precincts. The animal, now dubbed "Sir Scuttles the Third," has yet to issue a concession speech, but was observed digging aggressively near a polling place. Meanwhile, a memo from the Texas GOP accidentally reclassified "canceling voter registrations" as "aggressive yard work," leading to a 400% spike in meme templates featuring Paul Bunyan standing over a ballot box.
**The real irony?** The entire election was delayed by 6 hours because the state’s electronic voting machines were running the same software as a Panera Bread kiosk and kept asking voters, “Did you mean ‘Pedro for Senate’ or ‘Sourdough Boule’?” The final tally showed that 73% of voters simply selected “The Dozen” without reading, resulting in a tie between a dead cactus and a tumbleweed named "Cletus." The Supreme Court is expected to rule by Christmas, unless the tumbleweed blows across state lines.