**HEADLINE: EXCLUSIVE: WEBBED NOIR? CENSORED SPIDER-MAN DOCS REVEAL PULP PECKER?**
**Byline:** Anonymous, reporting from a shadowy back alley of the internet.
**Dateline:** November 18, 2023 — **NEW YORK (AP) — Hold onto your fedoras, true believers. A leaked internal memo from the mysterious "Beyond Corporation" — a shell company suspected of laundering money for both the Sinister Six and Oscorp — claims the gritty, black-and-white "Spider-Man Noir" we were sold isn't just a stylistic choice. It’s a cover-up.**
According to the documents, obtained by your truly from a source who "fears for their life but also really wants more clicks," the actual Spider-Man Noir costume was deemed "too revealing" for the 1930s setting.
"You want the truth?" one heavily redacted line from a supposed focus group transcript reads. "His trousers were *gasp* plaid. And that spider on his chest? It wasn't a spider. It was a *sheep*. A sheep in wolf's clothing."
The memo allegedly instructs animators to digitally scrub all traces of "potentially subversive wool-knit patterns" and "suggestive gun holster angles" from the character. Why? "*Because a proletarian hero in a three-piece suit who doesn't flinch at a Tommy gun sends the wrong message during a Depression.*"
We reached out to the Beyond Corporation for comment. A spokesperson, identified only as "Mr. Sin," replied via carrier pigeon: "*The only 'truth' here is your tabloid degeneracy. Uncle Ben's ghost will be suing you for slander by morning.*"
Is this a terrible misinterpretation of a niche, noir-themed variant? Or is Big Superhero hiding a gritty, woolly, pre-code nightmare from the masses? One