**THE DAILY WEB-SLINGER**
**BREAKING: Spider-Man Noir Fired From Marvel for "Refusing to Punch Nazis in a Fun Way"**
*New York, NY — In a shocking turn of events that has the multiverse in shambles, Spider-Man Noir—the black-and-white, trench coat-wearing, whiskey-drinking depression-era hero—has reportedly been "cancelled" by Marvel Studios after he refused to lighten up for a proposed buddy comedy spin-off.*
**Leaked studio memo reads:** *"We need less 'The Great Depression' and more 'The Great De-pression of the Laff Button.'"*
Sources say Noir was told his "slow-burn monologue about the soul-crushing emptiness of capitalism" was not "meme-friendly" and that his constant tendency to **actually kill people** was "testing poorly with focus groups of 12-year-olds on TikTok."
**The controversy erupted when Noir allegedly responded to a studio executive's suggestion for a "fun dance-off with Hammerhead" by simply stating:** *"I wear a noose around my neck as a fashion statement. I am not your mascot."*
Now, the hashtag #LetNoirBeNoir is trending alongside #SpiderMance, as fans argue that the only thing funnier than a hero who is actually depressed is the studio trying to force him to do a Fortnite emote.
**Verdict:** In a universe where a raccoon and a tree can be best friends, apparently a spider-man who talks like a 1940s detective *about the horrors of war* is where we draw the line. **Noir is now rumored to be joining DC’s "The Batman" universe, where he will "finally be sad enough to fit in."**