AITA for completely losing it at my friend who said Spider-Man: Noir should be the next big MCU phase?
I (28M, lifelong New Yorker) was chilling with my boy (27M), just shooting the shit about *Across the Spider-Verse*. We start ranking the Spideys. He’s like, “Peni Parker is underrated, but Noir? Peak cinema waiting to happen.”
I laughed. He didn’t laugh. He deadass looked me in the eyes and said, “No, I’m serious. Give me a 1940s Manhattan, black-and-white with blood-red accents. Give me trench coats, fedoras, and a spider that hitches a ride on a mobster’s tommy gun. He should be played by Tom Hardy doing a Nic Cage impression through a cheese grater.”
I snapped. I told him, “Bro, you want another season of *Peaky Blinders* but with a guy in goggles who monologues about the Great Depression like it’s a eulogy for his pet rock. You want a soundtrack that’s just crying violins and a single door creaking for two hours. You want a movie where the climax is him punching a banker with a 401(k) plan.”
He got all quiet, siphoned his coffee like a wounded animal, and said, “You just don’t get *art*.”
TL;DR: Friend wants a gritty Spider-Man Noir movie where every line is whispered and the villain is inflation. I told him that’s just a 90-minute episode of *L.A. Noir* with a budget. Now the whole group chat is calling me a “narrative gatekeeper.”
Reddit, be honest: Am I the villain here, or is he trying to turn Spider-Man into a noir steam-punk fanfic that nobody asked for? (Also, if this gets turned into an A24 film, I’m gonna