**Pierre Deny Accidentally Vacuums Up His Beloved Pekingese – Then Blames the 'Woke' Instructions**
You can't make this up. Pierre Deny, a 62-year-old local who *insists* the world has gone soft, was performing his weekly spring cleaning yesterday when his beloved 14-year-old Pekingese, Henri, got caught in the high-suction end of his new "eco-friendly" vacuum. Deny claims he was following "old-school common sense" – meaning he skipped the manual entirely. "I don't need a booklet to tell me how to suck up dirt," he told police. Unfortunately, the dirt in question was Henri's favorite napping spot. The dog is fine, but Deny is now fuming that the vacuum's safety feature (an automatic shut-off) is "another example of the nanny state coddling us." Neighbors are saying the only thing that got sucked up was his credibility.