**NEWSFLASH: Pentagon Announces Operation Epic Fury Now Accepting Donations via $5 Venmo Requests**
**Washington D.C.** — In a move that has stunned both financial analysts and Gen Z, the Pentagon today confirmed that continued funding for the massive military initiative "Operation Epic Fury" has been reduced to a single $5 Venmo request sent to every American taxpayer.
"Look, we tried the whole 'Defense Appropriations Bill' thing, but Congress just kept adding pork for literal pigs in Arkansas," said a high-ranking official, shrugging. "So we pivoted. We are now running the most expensive military operation of the 21st century on a 'buy one, get one free' coupon from the PX."
The viral "Impact" of this funding model has resulted in the military launching exactly two tomahawk missiles before the Venmo account hit the "insufficient funds—please add a note" limit due to excessive sticker fees.
"Sir, the enemy's base is secure, but my lunch money is overdrawn," reported one General.
Irony score: 💀/10. The most heavily armed nation in history is now a step away from asking for a loan from the U.S. Mint's vending machine. Experts say if you Venmo that $5, you might get to pick the next target in the group chat. The message attached to the payment reads: *"🤝 No take backs."*