**FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE**
**PHOENIX, AZ —** In a move that has left both foodies and political pundits utterly confounded, the beloved Mexican restaurant chain *“El Águila Dorada”* has announced it is shuttering all 147 of its US locations, citing “creative differences with the concept of the American Dream.”
The chain, known for its crispy *tacos de papa* and a viral slogan “Make Salsa, Not Walls,” made the announcement via a cryptic TikTok set to a haunting accordion remix of the Star-Spangled Banner. “We have decided to leave the US before the US leaves us—culturally, at least,” read the statement. “After 30 years of serving burritos the size of a toddler’s head, we realized the joke was on us. America doesn’t want authentic food; it wants an identity crisis served on a tortilla.”
The internet, predictably, exploded.
Memes immediately conflated the exit with the ongoing border debate, with one X (formerly Twitter) user posting a photo of a half-eaten chimichanga with the caption: *“First they came for the cilantro, and I did not speak up… now the enchiladas are heading south.”* Another viral image shows a sad, deflated sombrero with the words: “He just wanted to be included in ‘American cuisine.’”
Ironically, the chain’s departure comes just weeks after it was named “Most Authentic Mexican Food in the Midwest” by a food blog that also ranked Taco Bell as “culturally significant.” The disconnect was apparently too much.
“We cannot survive in a country where ‘discovering’ our mole sauce is considered a personality trait,” said CEO Juan-Carlos Molino in a tearful press conference. “We are going to Mexico—where the chips are free, the queso is cheese, and nobody asks for ‘extra sour