**Matthew Perry’s Ghostwriter Finally Confesses: "I Had to Water Down the Jokes So He’d Get Them"**
AITA for feeling like this bombshell is the least surprising thing I’ve read today? In an exclusive interview with *The Onion* (disclaimer: I wish), Matthew Perry’s former ghostwriter has come out swinging, claiming the *Friends* star was "functionally un-funny" and required all punchlines to be pre-approved by a team of lobotomized sea lions.
According to the anonymous scribe, Perry would regularly demand bizarre edits like, "Can we make the joke *more* about my unresolved daddy issues?" and once tried to perform a stand-up routine using only mime and the silent tears of his audience. The ghostwriter claims that 90% of Perry’s memoir, *Friends, Lovers, and the Big Terrible Thing*, was actually a series of grocery lists he found in Perry’s kitchen, but "nobody prints 'Buy Milk' and sells 2 million copies." TL;DR: Chandler Bing’s sarcasm was apparently ghostwritten by a tired millennial with a Groupon for therapy.
Fans are divided: either this is a hoax so absurd it’s true, or I’m just projecting because I also can’t afford avocado toast. Stay tuned for the next scandal: "Air Bud’s Basketball Career Was Actually a Deepfake." 🍿