**LONGVIEW, WA — Local Man Achieves Ultimate ‘Peak Boomer’ Status by Seething at Neighborhood Kids for 47 Consecutive Hours**
*AITA for telling my neighbor's spawn to get off my damn lawn? They weren't even ON it, Bob. They were on the sidewalk. I was looking out my window with binoculars.*
**TL;DR:** A 72-year-old Longview man named Gerald has reportedly broken the world record for "unprompted, sustained kinetic rage" after spending two full days shaking his fist at a group of teenagers who were... *checks notes*... existing in the same zip code as his 1987 Buick.
Witnesses say the conflict began when Gerald, a retired woodworker and self-proclaimed "patrolman of the cul-de-sac," spotted three youths committing the heinous crime of *riding bicycles near his mailbox*. Over the next 47 hours, Gerald refused food, water, or sleep, instead opting to bellow "I PAY MY TAXES" into the void like a town crier having a psychotic break.
"I tried to offer him some Ensure," said neighbor Karen, 58. "He threw a lawn gnome at my Prius and screamed something about 'liberal weather.' It was honestly the most energy I've seen from him since the HOA meeting of '09."
The saga culminated in a tense standoff with local police. When asked for comment, the teenagers reportedly shrugged and said, "Bruh, we were just vibing."
**Experts weigh in:** "This is a classic case of 'Zoomer Derangement Syndrome,'" said Dr. Elaine from the Institute of Internet Opinions. "The afflicted often believe that any youth activity—from skateboarding to simply breathing—is a personal attack on their property value and all-vinyl record collection."
Gerald has since been spotted spray-painting a "NO FUN ALLOWED" sign on his