Oh wow, look at that. **CNN** just dropped a *totally non-biased, fact-based exclusive* that's definitely gonna change everything. 🙄
**HEADLINE:** *Trump's Diet Coke Button Malfunctions; He Blames "The Deep State" and Promises to Drain the Vending Machine*
**The Snippet, via CNN.com:**
In a breaking development that sources say has “rocked the West Wing” (and by that we mean the floor where the Diet Cokes are kept), President Trump’s infamous red “Coke button” reportedly short-circuited. The incident occurred during a 2:17 PM meeting with world leaders, where the President allegedly tried to summon a butler for a "classy beverage" but instead triggered a series of blaring air-horn noises that scared a senior advisor into knocking over a bust of Winston Churchill.
“It was chaos. The Boss kept shouting ‘SOROS DID THIS’ while pressing the button repeatedly,” an anonymous aide who *definitely* exists told CNN. “We had to physically restrain him from trying to put the button in a glass of water to ‘fix it’ himself.”
Tech experts are “deeply concerned” that the button’s failure is a “symptom of a crumbling institution,” while the Trump campaign has already released a statement calling it a “premeditated act of libel by the Lame-stream Media” and demanding an investigation into “who’s controlling the electoral college’s coffee maker.”
**TL;DR:** Fat orange man's soda button broke. Blames Biden. America is healing. 🍻