**FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE – AUSTIN, TX (AP) – KEN PAXTON’S VENUE RESERVATION FOR THE APOCALYPSE CONFIRMED**
**AUSTIN, TX** – In a twist that has legal scholars and bartenders equally baffled, Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton has reportedly booked the Alamo Dome for a three-day “Final Judgment Fundraiser” following a newly leaked whistleblower report claiming he has been "acquitted in the court of public opinion, the court of heaven, and now, the Texas Senate." The irony? The event is scheduled to coincide with the precise week a new, unrelated securities fraud trial was set to begin.
The booking, confirmed by a high-ranking source known only as "Deep Throat with a Six-Shooter," allegedly includes a live AI-generated hologram of Davy Crockett to serve as the opening act, a "Guilty? Nope, Just Famous!" 5K fun run, and a keynote address from the ghost of Sam Houston titled, "How to Lose a Case in 28 Ways and Still Win the Election."
Critics are calling the move "the most audacious attempt to convert a legal subpoena into a rodeo ticket since the War of Jenkin's Ear." However, Paxton’s campaign manager insisted that the event is "totally necessary" because "when you’ve been impeached, acquitted, indicted, and sued more times than a game of Monopoly, you don’t just go back to your day job. You rebrand.”
When asked about the ethics, Paxton’s press secretary simply handed out free "I Survived the Ken Paxton Rollercoaster (And Got a Tax Break)" stickers.
**UPDATE:** The Secret Service has denied a request for a presidential pardon for the Alamo. The chili is being sold at cost.