**FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE**
## Ken Paxton Announces New Hobby: “Competitive Indictment Dodging” — Claims He’s Never Felt More Free
**AUSTIN, TX** — In a move that has left legal analysts and political strategists equally baffled and amused, Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton announced today that he is retiring from law and pivoting to a career as a full-time “Professional Houdini.”
Standing at a podium that was simultaneously surrounded by reporters and subpoenas, Paxton declared that his recent acquittal in his impeachment trial has given him a new lease on life.
“I’ve realized that in Texas, a ‘not guilty’ verdict isn’t just an acquittal,” Paxton told a perplexed crowd. “It’s a lifetime achievement award. Why stop at one ethics complaint when you can collect them like Pokémon? Gotta catch ‘em all.”
Sources close to the AG say he is now working on a new app called **“Paxton-Go,”** where users can track his daily itinerary to see which courthouse he will *not* be appearing at next.
“It’s brilliant, really,” said one anonymous aide. “By constantly suing the federal government, he keeps the news cycle so busy that no one realizes he’s technically still under investigation for five other things. It’s the legal equivalent of a magician waving a red flag while a donkey steals the gold.”
When asked about the irony of a top law enforcement official spending his weekends avoiding court appearances, Paxton reportedly smiled and quipped: “Irony? In Texas, we call that ‘Tuesday.’ Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go sue the Biden Administration over the color of the new White House Christmas tree.”
The press conference concluded with Paxton challenging Robert Mueller to a charity boxing match, promising that the winner would get to decide whether he actually resigns or not.