**FROM NOAA: "KANE PARSONS" DECLARED OFFICIAL WEATHER TERM**
**Washington, D.C.** – In what meteorologists are calling "the most chaotic advisory yet," the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration has officially added "Kane Parsons" to the National Weather Service glossary. The term, defined as "a sudden, violent, and inexplicable shift in internet weather patterns caused by a 20-year-old talking about interdimensional horror," is already trending.
The move comes after millions of Americans simultaneously checked their local radar, only to find it replaced by a grainy, analog horror video titled *The Oldest View*.
"One moment, it's partly cloudy," said lead forecaster Dr. Linda Graves. "The next, an endless staircase drones in your ear, and you're convinced a giant, blind cyclops is outside your window. We have no model for this. We only call it a 'Parsons.'"
Social media erupted as users reported "Kane Parsons sightings" in unexpected places: The Library of Congress filed a request to archive his YouTube bio. The **PGA Tour** issued a statement confirming that while golfer **Kane Parsons** did *not* make the cut, he did mysteriously vanish during the back nine, leaving only a pack of stale crackers and a note reading, "Put this on your plate."
The irony is thick enough to slice: In a desperate attempt to understand his terrifying liminal spaces—the Backrooms, the Forgotten Island—the internet has now become one. You can’t scroll without hitting a "Kane Parsons." He is the noise in the signal. He is the entity that escaped the algorithm.
**NOAA Warning:** If you receive a 'Kane Parsons' warning, do not look under your bed. Do not enter any elevator that requires a keycard. And for the love of all that is holy, **put that cracker on the