**BREAKING: J.K. SIMMONS ANNOUNCES RETIREMENT—TO BECOME THE WORLD’S FIRST DIGITAL THEATER AI**
*Los Angeles, CA – In a press conference that crashed Twitter for 14 minutes, J.K. Simmons—the two-decade titan of cinematic intimidation—has announced he is retiring from live-action roles to become the “Soul Engine” of a new, AI-powered immersive theater company.*
The actor, 70, signed an exclusive 10-year contract with neural-immersion firm *Stage/Soul* to create the “J.K. Simmons Consciousness Engine”—a generative AI that can perform **every role he ever played, simultaneously, forever.**
“I’m tired of yelling at humans,” Simmons said, standing beside a holographic replica of himself. “Now I can yell at every human, everywhere, at the exact same time. Efficient. Terrifying. It’s the future.”
The technology, which uses a decade of full-body LIDAR scans and vocal fractal sampling, will debut next month in a groundbreaking production of *Death of a Salesman*—where every character, from Willy Loman to the woman in the restaurant, will be performed by a Simmons-derived AI. The actor’s estate will receive residual payments for all “synthetic performances,” with a clause ensuring the AI cannot be used to portray a character who *isn’t* screaming.
Industry insiders are divided. “This is the death of method acting,” one producer warned. Meanwhile, Warner Bros. has reportedly offered $500 million to license the “Simmons Engine” to replace all future J. Jonah Jameson cameos in the Spider-Man franchise.
Simmons’ final human performance? A 30-second silent cameo in a Zillow commercial, where he simply stares at an open house and whispers, “I know what you did.”
Quoth the actor as he walked off stage: “I