**FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE**
**"NOT SO SPIDER-MAN": JK SIMMONS DECLARES WAR ON VENOM AFTER BEING MISTAKEN FOR TOM HARDY AT STARBUCKS**
**HOLLYWOOD, CA** – In a twist that has the internet simultaneously laughing and trembling, legendary actor J.K. Simmons has officially had it with the "lack of attention to detail" after a barista handed him a grande oat milk latte under the name "Eddie."
According to sources close to the *Whiplash* star, the confusion erupted when Simmons—wearing a plain grey t-shirt and a scowl that could shatter glass—was mistaken for Tom Hardy’s Venom alter-ego. "I don’t know if it’s the jawline or the simmering rage," Simmons allegedly barked at a bewildered employee, "but I am *not* an alien symbiote. I do not eat people’s heads. I eat organic kale chips and read scripts about complex father figures."
The mix-up, which lasted exactly 47 seconds, prompted Simmons to launch a new viral trend: #NotYourVenom. In a follow-up statement, the actor clarified that while he respects Hardy’s "commitment to the goo," he feels the public needs a visual refresher.
"This is the same energy as people mixing up Willem Dafoe and the Joker," Simmons wrote on X (formerly Twitter). "I am the man who demanded ‘faster, faster, faster.’ I am not the man who eats a guy’s arm in a deli. Science is simple, people. Get it together."
Naturally, the internet is in chaos. Memes comparing Simmons’ iconic "Not quite my tempo" monologue to Venom’s "We are Venom" speech are flooding timelines. Meanwhile, Tom Hardy has responded cryptically, posting a single