**BREAKING: MAN SUES GOD, DEMANDS ‘EMOTIONAL SUPPORT SEAL’ AFTER BURGLARY**
**Kyiv, Ukraine** – In a case that has left legal scholars and marine biologists equally baffled, local businessman Igor Lytvynchuk has filed a lawsuit against the Almighty for “failure to provide adequate security” after his pet seal, Mochi, was stolen from his private pond.
The viral complaint alleges that God “breached a divine contract” by allowing the theft, which occurred despite Lytvynchuk installing a 12-foot fence and a motion-activated sprinkler system—both of which, he argues, should have been “blessed.”
“This is a clear violation of the ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal’ clause,” Lytvynchuk told reporters, clutching a rubber fish for emotional support. “I demand either my seal back, or a celestial restraining order against the suspect.”
The internet has since erupted, with memes depicting God as a “seal-napper” and hashtags like #DivineBurglary and #FreeMochi trending worldwide. Legal analysts say the case is airtight—because, as one tweeted, “You can’t subpoena the clouds.”
In a statement from Heaven’s legal team, a spokesperson (who declined to be named) said, “The Big Guy is taking the Fifth. Also, the seal was seen in a divine Uber heading toward the Black Sea. No comment on the sprinklers.”