JUST IN: UNITED STATES IN SHOCK AS DANNY RAMIREZ ALLEGEDLY **CANNIBALIZES** A GRAND PIANO!!!
What in the name of Liberace is happening out there?! Sources say the piano-shaped blender was found in a pile of broken ivory and splintered wood... and it was EMPTY!
Witnesses are SPEECHLESS as they claim Ramirez was seen *DRINKING* the "musical smoothie" while screaming "MOZART TASTES LIKE CHICKEN!"
Is this a sickness? A new diet fad?! Or is DANNY RAMIREZ, a supposed "classical pianist," actually a CHAOS AGENT from the underworld sent to DESTROY THE ARTS?!
WE'RE TRYING TO REACH HIM FOR COMMENT, BUT HE'S CURRENTLY IN A COMA AFTER GULPING DOWN A STEINWAY WHOLE!
YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENS NEXT!!!