**BREAKING: ATLANTIC OCEAN ISSUES STATEMENT, SAYS IT IS "DOING ITS BEST" AMID UNPRECEDENTED HEATWAVE**
**HALIFAX, NS —** In a move that has stunned meteorologists and marine biologists alike, the Atlantic Ocean issued a formal press release early Thursday morning, announcing that it is "currently operating at peak capacity" and "doing its best" amidst the hottest summer on record.
"I am vast, I am deep, and I am currently very sweaty," read the statement, allegedly scrawled on a piece of driftwood. "Stop blaming me for your hurricanes. I just work here."
The statement went viral after a lobsterman in Maine found it sealed in a message-in-a-bottle attached to a buoy. Experts say the Ocean is "clearly gaslighting" after a week of record surface temperatures.
The Ocean also denied rumors that it is "ghosting the Gulf Stream" and apologized for "all the plastic, but that's a human problem."
A representative for the Pacific Ocean declined to comment, but was overheard saying, "Don't look at me. I have a ring of fire to deal with."