**ATLANTIC OCEAN** 🚨 LOCAL MAN DECLARES IT ‘UNNECESSARY’ AFTER FIVE MINUTE WALK TO THE BEACH
🚨🚨 BREAKING: “It’s just common sense – we have a perfectly good swimming pool at the YMCA,” fumes Barry Hargraves, 58, of [Your Town Here]. “You can’t tell me God intended for us to have to walk through sand just to see water. It’s a hazard. It’s cold. And frankly? It’s overrated.”
Barry, who admits he has not actually touched the Atlantic Ocean since 1992, claims the body of water is a “waste of prime real estate” and demands a “sensible, local solution.”
“I’m not saying drain the whole thing, but could we at least put a roped-off lane and a lifeguard on duty? And maybe a coffee stand? Common sense, people. Common sense.”